book blurb feedback


My offline writers group must be… offline for the summer as nobody answered my plea for comments. So you, dear blog reader, will have to step in. I’m preparing the book blurb for the next BoI, Water, and I need some feedback. If there are glaring grammar mistakes or typos, please do say so, as I’m going to use this also for the book trailer. Tell me also if you feel compelled to know more, are confused or whatever crosses your mind. I really appreciate any comments you can give. Here goes:
Kahnee kissed a goddess. Now he is invulnerable to everything, including feelings.
Damir shipwrecked and found himself in an underwater world he didn’t know existed. Now he is in love, but his rival is a long lost childhood friend.

Kahnee left his island ten years ago to follow a foreign captain, with the protection of the Goddess’s kiss, and now has been sold as a slave to the Queendom of Maadre. His lover Morgan would do anything to get him back while his new owner, twenty-year-old Keira, would do anything to keep him.
Damir struggles to adjust to life in an underwater city and his fights with his rival, Conall, have him evicted from the submerged paradise.
Two years later Keira and Kahnee leave her home country to take him back home while Damir attacks the underwater city and manages to capture his rival.
Will Kahnee get his feelings back from the Goddess? Will Conall ever be free from Damir’s hatred?

To thank you for this feedback, here’s Kahnee and Morgan, as I won’t use this illustration anywhere, so here it is for you.

What? You think that’s my Muse? Well, of course he is! He started out as a secondary character and stole the spotlight… that’s what muses are for, I guess! 😉

Speaking of him, I found his “quotes” on one of the Six Sentence gals’ blog, so I’ll leave you with his words of wisdom (and thanks Liz for posting it!)… he might even become a writer eventually, so I might be able to post his words on Saturdays! 😉

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7 Comments

  1. nikaleeanne

     /  14/07/2011

    It’s a pretty good blurb Barb, but a couple of things need clarity. If Kahnee is invulnerable to everything, how could he get sold into slavery? And the sentence with Keira and Khanee would better read “… Keira’s home country to take Kahnee back home” which would make it sound better. I also think you don’t need to mention WHY Damir gets evicted from the underwater paradise; the reader would need to find that out by reading the book. It all sounds very interesting though, and of course these are just my opinions!

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  2. I played with it a lot 🙂

    Kahnee kissed a goddess. Now he is invulnerable to everything, including feelings.—nice!

    Damir is shipwrecked and lost in an underwater world he didn’t know existed (etc)
    OR
    Damir, shipwrecked and in an underwater world he didn’t know existed, is in love but his rival is a long lost childhood friend.

    Kahnee left his island ten years ago to follow a foreign captain, with the protection of the Goddess’s kiss (. Now) he has been sold as a slave to the Queendom of Maadre. His lover Morgan would do anything to get him back while his new owner, twenty-year-old Keira, would do anything to keep him.- nice!

    Damir struggles to adjust to life in an underwater city, (until his ongoing rivalry with Conall), have him evicted from the submerged paradise. (Maybe something like “can he get back” or something that states what his challenge is)

    (depending on how far into the book this is – like if it is halfway, this might be a good place to cut it off. If, however, it’s just set up, then it might work better to put that in past tense and then do the next lines in present)

    Two years (pass). Keira (takes) Kahnee (back to his homeland), while Damir (wages war against? I just like dramatic stuff 😉 ) the underwater city (to capture his hated rival.)

    Will Kahnee get his feelings back from the Goddess? Will Conall ever be free from Damir’s hatred? – nice 😀

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  3. Madison Woods

     /  14/07/2011

    For some reason, your comment box isn’t letting me see this as I type it…so there could be typos…kind of hard to tell when I can’t see it!

    “Damir struggles to adjust to life in an underwater city and his fights with his rival, Conall, have him evicted from the submerged paradise.”

    This line is the only one that really stood out to me as needing work. It would work better as two separate sentences, I think, and ‘have him evicted’ would work better as ‘leads to his eviction’. The blurb does make me interested, it is compelling.

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    • (I know what you mean, sometimes WordPress makes it hard to comment…)

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  4. Thanks all, I’m on it, working hard to rephrase and twist and make it better… 😀

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